I'm an aromantic girl in her 20's and I love Valentine's Day.

An aromantic begins to attempt to understand romance.

Ah Valentine's Day.

So soon again? No, no, let me clarify, these are not sighs of annoyance or melancholy! It's not that I didn't miss you old friend, quite the contrary, I look forward to convening with you every year. It's merely that time seems to be floating past so quickly these days that I didn't realize that I hadn't marked the calendar for your arrival. But alas, I'm glad you're here, give me your coat, I'll hang it up for you.

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays. What can I say, I'm a lover gurl. Even though the days of getting candy grams at school are no longer, I still get giddy in anticipation for February 14. Every year, I serve up a rotating lover inspired dish: red velvet cake, pasta, branzino, sometimes even a glass of wine, really whatever my tongue's spirit feels that year. I turn on a candle (even though I always have a candle on) and my R&B playlist, and bask in the simplicity of a good meal -- alone. Some years even, I've switched it up, gone to a movie (When Harry Met Sally in 2024) and dinner out on the town with a group of girlfriends (those kinds of Valentine's nights are more rare, but surprises I cherish nonetheless).

I've never spent a Valentine's Day with a romantic partner. And in my twenty six years of life, I've never been in a romantic relationship, or have even been close to getting into one. But even without the heteronormative romance, Valentine's Day is still one of my favorite holidays.

Now, you may be wondering, how could a stud like myself possibly be single?

Well.

It's because I'm aromantic.

Coming to terms with your aromanticism as a Black woman in her 20's is almost like being a communist in the 50's -- it feels as if I'm under threat of public humiliation at any moment.

Everywhere I look, there are messages reminding me that to be a member of this society, I must be yearning for, actively working towards, or already within, a romantic relationship. I mean Valentine's Day is one of the more blatant demonstrations of romance propaganda and that's saying a lot as the agenda is everywhere hiding in plain sight.

It's in the music, Summer Walker crooning about the heart of women, it's in the films, Bridgette Jones whining for three movies (in a poor British accent) about finding a legitimate male partner. It's on social media, with the viral posts and video essays about the outlandishly expensive price tag some famous person bought for their paramour (I mean, can we have a dialogue about paying 5 figures for a rock?). It's even in the advertisements, which do so well in expressing that life is meant to be lived with two people, two kids, and one shaggy dog that I'm allergic to. Like why is Honda lecturing me about getting a man?

But to be on the aromantic spectrum, is to feel confounded by all of the expectations out there about what it means for a relationship to be legitimate. It also means that I often question what romanticism even is, and by proxy, aromanticism, because what is the difference between love and romance? What separates the love I have for friends, for community, for the vegan ice cream at Dear Bella near Hollywood Boulevard -- from the love we're told to expect in exclusive heteronormative partnerships? What separates the love I have for self?

Bell Hooks in her classic meditation, All about Love, defines love as an action and not a feeling. Yet, the definition of romance that I often get is, "It's a combination of friendship and sex." But to be aromantic is not to be asexual, even though the two are often conflated. An aromantic person can absolutely have sex with a friend. Is that romance?

Or does romance have to include commitment? Does romance have to come with what Amy Graham calls the "Relationship Escalator", whereby the unspoken goal of all relationships is to move towards marriage and happily ever after? Can you "date" your friends and it not be a sexual relationship?

This is where I struggle to get a grip on the attributes between love and romance. See I'm in a unique position on the aromantic spectrum. I have the capacity to recognize and feel the lure towards romanticism but I do not have any desire to participate in it. But I am deeply devoted to loving. Pure, unadulterated, love. Quiet moments spent in the car with a family member, loud obnoxious laughter with old friends, memes, and long held memories, airport pickups, late night conversations, movies, dinners, book clubs, shopping, vacations, staycations, nieces, and nephews, toy trucks, and problematic jokes. I share these moments with a bevy of people and we all actively, in differing degrees dependent on the nature of the relationships, work towards maintaining an action based definition of love. Are all of those things I just listed not what they say romance is? What about the love found within community? Good mornings and how are you's to the cleaning ladies in my apartment building, conversations with Trader Joe's cashiers, chance encounters with classmates in the hallways -- there's a romance to all of these things.

Or simply taking a long walk around a park alone, the sound of children's laughter bouncing in between the sqwuaks of the mallards, the sky a deep baby blue, clouds sparsely fluttering in between. Romance.

It's what the great poets of past, of smooth jazz, of rom-com, describe as what one can do within a romance, with that special person, a soul mate, the one. But close kinship has offered me the opportunity to see the world from my friend's eye's. Is this not romance? To me, it is.

In my view, to love, and to romance, are one and the same. Loving requires the same devotion and intention as romance because I do not prioritize or rank relationships based on their constituent parts as there is no use for labels in love. Love is a universal word, and so is romance, it encompasses all relationships where parties decide to treat one another with mutual respect and admiration. If I go to lunch with a man I'm attracted to, and go to a lunch in the same restaurant with a friend, why is the former a "date" or "romance" and the latter, simply a lunch with a friend. In my view, these two are the same event -- like I had the same exact meal both times.

So then what is the true difference between love and romance? My inability to understand may come from my being aromantic or it may stem from the general confusion in our society to aptly name a thing what it really is. But that's the first conundrum of aromanticism.

This is something I want to continue to unpack. It will take time to sink my teeth into all of the complex parts of this topic, but I hope that on the other side of this, clarity will be mine. Until then, I've found a recipe for tagliatelle bolognese that I'll be pairing with red velvet cupcakes (or brownies and ice cream, I'm still deciding) this Friday. Because Vaalentine’s day for me is a celebration of love and what better to celebrate?

Happy Valentine's Day.